“The quintessential drinks cabinet…”
My parents had the quintessential drinks cabinet in our living room, black with silver handles, part of the TV unit. It had everything in there yet they didn’t drink.
Growing up in a small country town with very little to do, I’d sneak into the drinks cabinet daily, mixing whatever I could for Friday night’s youth club with my friends. A Micky Finn it was called, always orange. And cloudy. I can still taste it.
I never gave a second thought to how alcohol would affect my mental well-being.
My time at university was less focused on my studies and more on getting drunk on the weekends and having fun. I tried all sorts. Gin was the most evil of all, battering my imagination and heightening my anxiety and self-confidence. Never really feeling happy or what I wanted my life to look like, knowing that this temporary feeling was only masking who I really was or how I was feeling.
This carried on pretty much through my twenties and thirties with weekend binge drinking and being the most popular at parties because I was ‘the most fun’. Friday night happy hours, Saturday morning mimosas into a liquid lunch and a day of drinking to take me into the early hours of Sunday. I was committed to the cause and not feeling sober until Tuesday. Everyone was doing it. Glamorised and normalised, not scrutinised. No one acknowledging or worried about the impact and the dangers of alcohol addiction.
There had always been a lot of stigma, shame and finger pointing at ‘drunks’ in our sleepy town. Alcohol has been judged and frowned upon for years with people shunned instead of offered support. And it wasn’t an era where you could feel normal about seeking therapy for your mental well-being.
In 2009, there was a modal shift in my life. Redundancies at work took a toll on my mental health and physical health. I was struggling to get out of bed. My parents had split after 40 years of marriage. My head was mess. And a co-dependent life with double vodkas was not helping. Whilst no one would say I had a drink problem, I knew how dependent I had become.
I made the decision to stop. No drinking. No gradual decrease. Cold Turkey. Get my life back on track. I had a family. I hadn’t brought my children into this world to look after me.
Coming into my early forties, I looked the part, on the outside. Successful, always getting things done. Happy, fulfilled. Family, friends, lovely house, good job. But a darkness lingered behind my eyes, hiding the social anxiety, the feeling of resentment, of being unloved and under-appreciated. Always feeling as though the room was talking about me as soon as I left it. All the things that my drinking would reduce, because it caused me not to care. Could I stop?
It’s important to mention that not everyone supported my decision to stop drinking. Some thought I wouldn’t be as much fun to have around. I would be boring. My social circles almost disappeared. Different friends for different reasons yet none of them there for me. Only my other me.
It was a lonely time when I could have lapsed and relapsed, back in bed with alcohol. Not everyone will pick up the phone to you in the early hours of the morning, absorb your ranting and still check in on you the next day. I had a friend that did just that. A friend worth keeping close. We met at Holyoake. Exactly the type of support circle you need when struggling with health and addiction.
I realised just how toxic my friends circle had been. All the friends circles. I just realised it too late, with so many wasted years on the wrong people with the wrong elixir of life.
My life now is very different. I have 3 principles:
- Happiness comes from within
- Your greatness is not what you have but what you give
- You have an opportunity each day to be a better person
I’m fairly good at the first two and getting better with the third. I breathe, I take control and I prioritise what matters to me and my life.
I don’t waste time with people that are not good for me. I live with a pro social calendar. It takes time to master self-awareness and support your actions. To be kind to yourself when it’s the wrong choice and to celebrate your success when it is (without any alcohol- soberly of course).
When I see heavy drinkers, I reflect on my own experience and past relationship with alcohol. A highly addictive and dangerous substance with even the smallest consumption impacting your life. Poisoning relationships. Poisoning your body and your mind.
Alcohol is the only substance that you get questioned on… why you are not drinking is simply not enough to put in small print.
‘Enjoy responsibly’
‘Drink in moderation.’
Each glass is literally poisoning you. It doesn’t have to be much. A few glasses nightly. Weekly. Regularly. It can lead to cancers, organ failure, lifelong physical and mental illnesses.
Take it from someone who felt their drinking wasn’t affecting their health or their life.
In a blink of an eye, this can all change. Take care of YOU.
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